4 Smooches
Synopsis
Dove Glitch is embarrassed about everything above her knees and below her belly button. When she has to fill a delicate, embarrassing prescription the last thing she needs is a sexy-as-hell (and brand spanking new) pharmacist behind the counter.
Johnson Fitzwell’s first day of his dream career also happens to coincide with the exact moment Dove needs her feminine meds filled. His glorious voice is way too loud–as in, he should be counting down the hits with Ryan Seacrest kind of loud. Thanks to Johnson’s handsome face and gorgeous jaw line, Dove dives headlong into her waking nightmare and asks for a vagina-scented cream.
How could she not fall for him? Dove’s only active goal now is to get Johnson to kiss her right on the lips. Either set. However, his horrible girlfriend is one of many obstacles preventing her from making that fantasy a reality. When Dove defends Johnson in the most unhygienic, unconventionally gross way in the middle of a crowded restaurant, their tender, slightly tantric relationship is of to a galloping, farting start.
Each print copy of this book will be dipped in holy water by my mom, and glared at by my father as he purses his lips. Neither will help. So, drop your pants and turn to the left and cough. I hope you’re not allergic to latex, because it’s time to fill your prescription. Anally.
Review
“Her first UTI had snuck up on her like a hairy little kitten.”
So, It is the night before the book goes live and I am sitting here looking over my highlights and notes still dumbfounded as to what I am going to say and how I am going to rate this hot mess, train wreck of a romance novel (I say these things lovingly and mean them only in the sense that I feel the author purposefully wrote a book that is a hot fart mess.)
“His Adam’s apple was like his throat’s erection. Dominant.”
Part of me wants to be like I am a 32 year old romance loving mother of 3 and this book is clearly written for a horny 13 year old boy going through puberty. But the other part of me can admit to reading the book straight through, laughing out loud and forcing my co-blogger to talk endlessly with me about it, all of which point to a book that deserves a higher rating. So here I am torn between 3 I am too good for this high and mighty stars and 5 I can’t believe she said that and I peed my pants laughing stars. How about we call it 4 and move on!
“Bitch. Do you think we’ll get arrested or something if we go in there? Cause I don’t have time for that tonight.”
This is where I normally give a quick plot summary but seeing as how I am still unable to wrap my mind around this book how about I just type up some of my notes I had to myself while I was reading this book instead.
1. WOW, So there really is a lot of farting/potty talk in this book she was not exaggerating
2. It’s ironic that the main character’s name is Dove like the soap because I feel like I need a good cleaning now.
3. I must incorporate the phrase “Cock communist.” into my everyday life.
4. If Matt Stone and Trey Parker (creators of South Park) wrote a romance novel this would be it!
5. I need book two, what does that say about me as a person that I so desperately need book two.
6. I feel like something bad might have happened to Debra Anastasia as a child.
Those are just a few of the crazy (some incoherent) thoughts and notes I jotted down while reading.
“@Debra_Anastasia didn’t respond. She was probably masturbating thinking of writing her next sex scene.”
I enjoyed Dove and Johnson but the real stars of this book were the neighbors in her building. For all his grossness I completely grew to love Duke. He was oh so gross but a good friend and had many of the funniest moments of the book. I loved that Debra made herself the crazy smut writing author next door along with her husband. Debra and Mr. Anastasia were both hokey and a riot and I don’t know if she is insane for doing this or a pure genius. I. just. don’t. know. If you strip away all the pre-pubescent humor you will find a romance story under there and you will be rooting for Dove to get their HEA that every shy girl with a secret wild side deserves.
“I will hope for a stripper pussy of power.”
Fire Down Below is what it is, a hokey fart filled book that surprisingly has a romance story that this romance blogger can get behind. Did I love every minute of this book, honestly no but that is because fart talk makes me cringe and I have a horrible case of second hand embarrassment syndrome, wherein I feel so overwhelmingly embarrassed for these characters (often at times when they themselves did not,) But for the most part I was constantly giggling and always intrigued.
~miranda
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